“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” Dr. Spock

They are just words…groups of letters put together to form a thing, a person, a place, an action, a description. A word by itself may be as simple as a spot on a page. Yet combined with other words, spoken into the air around or written/typed can be powerful beyond belief.
The big word for me lately has been trust. I was working with someone recently who said “Well that’s what I am hoping.” Out of my mouth came the words, “No you must stop hoping for it to happen, and trust that it will happen.”
So what is the difference?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary (www.merriam-webster.com) defines hope as “to cherish a desire with anticipation”. By cherishing this desire, we hold on to it. It goes along with wishes and dreams, and becomes something that might happen…if we are lucky.
Trust, in the same dictionary is defined as “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something”. By trusting, we are letting go and allowing something or someone else to bring it forward. There is a faith, a knowing, not that it might happen, but that it will happen.
From past experiences, I have found that hoping took a lot of energy. It was always with me, like a please, please, please feeling in the pit of my stomach. Trusting, on the other hand, allows me to detach, let go and attempt to feel nothing while the process unfolds.
Is it OK to have hopes, wishes and dreams? You bet it is! But it is even better to allow trust to take over and let them flow into our lives when and if they are meant to be.
Hard to do…but a lot easier on the old stomach!

Dot to Dot

“You can not connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that some how the dots will connect in your future. You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road, will give you the confidence to follow your heart. even when it leads you off the well worn path. And that will make all the difference.”

Steve Jobs

 

I have spent too many years of my life looking back at the dots I have left behind.

For the first time in my life, I am following my heart, that I will find my dots down the road. I recognize that I am straying off a well known worn; that is a known because I am a solperrneur. Few people really  succeed down that path. But I believe in myself! I trust in myself! And that will make all the difference.

 

Stephen Magladry, Your iTechieGuy

Earning Trust (part one)

“Do I trust people”?  Others may ask many questions about you, but this is a key one.  Trust lies at the root of building good interpersonal relations.  Research into human relations proves that if trust is present, weaknesses tend to be overlooked and mistakes tolerated.  Some people are trusted, and some are not, it depends on how they behave.  Trust is grounded in four very concrete and specific behaviors: Acceptance, Integrity, Openness, Reliability.  The presence of these four behaviors lead others to say: “I trust you”.  If you put these four behaviors into practice, you’ll be trusted.  If you don’t, you won’t.  Simple as that.  Let’s look at each of the four in turn, to get the whole picture.  Each Behavior will be a separate post.

Trust requires acceptance.  If I sense you accept me as a person, I’ll trust you.  That means I must sense that you feel it’s OK for me to be me, you don’t pass judgment on me, you don’t put me down and you don’t treat me as an “it” by trying to manipulate me, treat me as an inferior or by just criticizing me.  You accept me as an individual with my thoughts, feelings, interests, differences and my imperfections.  You don’t have to agree with me, but you do have to accept me.  If I sense you don’t accept me, I won’t trust you, because I’ll wonder if you are trying to use me, or deal with me only as a means to your ends.  If you behave in an accepting manner by taking me as I am, treating me as a worthwhile person, showing respect for my personhood and not judging me, then your behavior will lead me toward trusting you.  Acceptance is necessary to earn trust.

Continue to Part 2

Earning Trust (part two)

If you have not read the whole series, this link will take you to the start of the series.

Trust is grounded in four very concrete and specific behaviors: Acceptance, Integrity, Openness, Reliability.  The presence of these four behaviors lead others to say: “I trust you”.  If you put these four behaviors into practice, you’ll be trusted.  If you don’t, you won’t.  Simple as that.  Let’s look at the second of the four behaviors.

Trust requires integrity.  If I sense you are being straight forward with me, I’ll trust you.  That means I must see you as being honest with me.  I must perceive that you mean what you say and say what you mean; that’s having integrity.  If I sense that you are telling me one thing and feeling the opposite, trust goes down.  If I don’t see and feel your integrity, I won’t trust you, because I’ll be in doubt about what you really mean.  Feeling that I can’t count on you to tell me the truth.  If you behave in a honest way, saying what you mean and meaning what you say, then your behavior will lead me toward trusting you.  Integrity is necessary to earn trust.

 
Continue to Part 3

Earning Trust (part three)

If you have not read the whole series, this link will take you to the start of the series.

Trust is grounded in four very concrete and specific behaviors: Acceptance, Integrity, Openness, Reliability.  The presence of these four behaviors lead others to say: “I trust you”.  If you put these four behaviors into practice, you’ll be trusted.  If you don’t, you won’t.  Simple as that.  Let’s look at the third of the four behaviors.

Trust requires openness.  If I sense you are being open with me, I’ll trust you.  That means I must feel that you are letting me in on what you know about the matter at hand, at least the essentials.  I must perceive that you are willing to let me know what affects me; that’s being open.  If I sense you are keeping important things to yourself or that you have a hidden agenda, trust goes down and you become less believable to me.  If you behave in an open way, share information with me and tell me what you have in mind, then your behavior will lead me toward trusting you.  Openness is necessary to earn trust.

 

Continue to Part 4

Earning Trust (part four)

If you have not read the whole series, this link will take you to the start of the series.

Trust is grounded in four very concrete and specific behaviors: Acceptance, Integrity, Openness, Reliability.  The presence of these four behaviors lead others to say: “I trust you”.  If you put these four behaviors into practice, you’ll be trusted.  If you don’t, you won’t.  Simple as that.  Let’s look at the fourth of the four behaviors.

Trust requires reliability.  If I sense you are dependable, I’ll trust you.  That means you do what you say you’ll do.  If you make a promise, you’ll keep it.  If you say you’ll take care of something, you’ll take care of it.  If you say you’ll be somewhere, you’ll be there.  I must have the experience that you take your agreements seriously, you are a person of your word; that’s being reliable.  If I see you making promises you don’t keep and if you say you won’t do a certain thing, then you do it, trust goes down.  If you behave in a reliable way and if I can bank on your dependability, then your behavior will lead me toward trusting you.  Reliability is necessary to earn trust.

Trust is the cornerstone for building ongoing, lasting relationships.  Trust is earned, it’s not a gift.  Others don’t trust you just because you tell them you can be trusted.  You earn trust by your behavior, and that takes time.  You earn it if you behave with acceptance, integrity, openness and reliability.

Dragon At My Back

Noto

My life has seemed like a perfect storm of chaos much of the past few years, lost in the center of a yowling maelstrom of worry, fear and drama, prowled by monsters of threat and ghosts of loss. Even the ground beneath my feet seems uncertain, sometimes.

Yet, there’s one place the monsters cannot come, where flimsy doors close tight against them, and I can stand in unfailing calm for a time.

Preparation. Shake out and don my gi. Position my obi. Unfold my hakama, press out any wrinkles with my hands, straighten the pleats. My fingers linger on the worn areas over my knees, testament to dedicated hours. Tie the himo to enclose and support my scabbard, my saya. Each step brings a sense of deepening calm, as the student/warrior emerges from chaos.

Feet bare, I step into the dojo, bowing. The door swings gently shut behind me, and a sudden quiet falls that has nothing to do with the sounds of squeaking shoes in the next gym over, boys scuffling in the hall, bleachers rattling. This is one threshold the monsters cannot cross, the ghosts cannot breach. This is refuge.

I leave them outside the door, and with them I leave my own monsters – pride, embarrassment, the need to prove my worth. In here I become simply a student, neither gifted nor slow, where the true values are teachableness and intention.

The sense of safety is a paradox. What we do can be inherently dangerous, each of us wielding a three-foot katana, striving for power and precision in a stylized art of battle. Even our unsharpened practice blades or wooden practice swords can inflict major injury in clumsy or careless hands. We form a network of trust, each of us knowing that a loose blade, ripped hem, or moment of inattention can bring injury to another. We’re forced to be attentive both to our own movements and to those around us, moving in
harmony, always ready to react and modify. Together we bow to the shomen, to each other, to our swords. The formalities focus and bind us, and then we begin.

Kneel in seiza. Breathe. Draw. Cut. Chiburi – clean the blade. Noto- sheath. Stand. Again. Again. And again, kata flowing together. Around me, I can feel my comrades, intent yet open,  weaving an invisible wall against the dark. Ken, gentle and good-natured, with a hidden thread of fire and steel infusing his iai. Mitch, precise and flowing with banked force. Wes, passionate, fast, intent. Sarah, light and efficient and graceful. Sam, rangy, deceptively fast beneath his humor. K, a kindly bear who uses his power carefully. Sensei, quietly teaching, a warrior with smiling eyes. Outside this space, we’re students, engineers, EMTs, artists, techs. Here and now, we’re journeying together seeking something that can never be mastered, opening doors within ourselves, the blades in our hands as much expression as reality.

"Remaining heart"

Faintly, I hear passing echoes of the ghosts and monsters outside the door, then the breeze carries them away again. This door they cannot pass. I will not let them into this space. I am surrounded by a flashing of metal and the ripped-silk sound of air being cut, and I feel safe. I have a dragon at my back.

Wisdom Of Innocence 3.4: That Hurts Really Bad

Yesterday was a very long, long day. I took my son to an allergy specialist to get tested. Last year on Halloween he ate a Baby Ruth. When he started grabbing his throat and gasping we called 911. This year as Halloween approached he asked what time the 911 guys were coming. It may take a few years to get that straight.

He was so brave. Even helped them count all the tests. He loved it when they wrote
numbers and words on his back. He loved the monster truck and the cars and the
books in the secret drawer, second one up from the floor. He loved throwing the
super ball around the exam room while we waited for the now itchy bumps to
emerge on his back. He giggled and jumped and showed me how to twirl high in
the air and jump off the step next to the table with the coloring paper on it
that you get to lie on . He had a huge smile when the doctor told him he was the
best boy today and gave him five stickers with superhero’s on them. He helped
her listen to his heart and lungs and told her there were no frogs in there.
She laughed and told him now he was also the funniest boy today. He giggled
into his little hand.

I sat in awe of my brave, golden haired child. Trusting us to take care of him.

The tests came back positive for allergies to tree nuts. We left loaded with
prescriptions for Epipens, Antihistamine’s and steroids and my heart relieved to
know and heavy with dread and my head with what if’s.

The day was gorgeous, and for a reward between appointments we went to a park and ate lunch outside. I sat watching him run around and slide and play without fear.

The last appointment was to draw blood. We want to know if he will grow out of this
and the doctor may be able to tell from the blood test. I told him we had one
more doctor to see and then we would go home. He asked the usual fifteen why’s
as we drove there. On the way into the exam room where they were going to draw
blood he asked what was going to happen here. I told him that this doctor would
be giving him a shot and taking some blood so we could find out more about the
allergies and help him. He crawled up into my lap, holding Boo Boo bear and
said, “Mommy, will she need to cut off my arm?” And the crocodile
tears started. Not him, me.

I held his little face in my hands and drew him close. “No honey, she will
not need to cut off your arm. It will be just like your shots at the other
doctor, only she will also put some blood into a tube.” The doctor asked
another nurse in to help, and it went quick. All three of the adults a bit
misty, not a dry eye in the place. He sat there crying huge, wet tears and we
all looked at each other while he said, “Why are you doing this to me?
This is too pokey and that hurts really bad!”

At the end, they gave him some candy and a hug. He turned and said, “Thank
You, but I am not coming back to see you again. That was too pokey.”

They smiled. I cried a bit. Hugged my little brave boy and went home to snuggle on
the couch.

Wisdom Of Innocence 3.4: Sometimes you need to be brave, even when you don’t want to. Trust is an honor.  And always, always, always – tell it like it is.

Joni Kovarik

www.bizdevbiz.com