There is a Holon of Love Goin’ on.

Originating quote:

“Loving is learning how to let go of what we think we know about ourselves, others and what’s happening. Love IS letting go

I would assert that Love is about letting go of identity and other distortions in the field between us and an other.

When we remove: relationship-toxic points of view, undigested bits of history, and false identity from the past we become present, spiritually dynamic life swimmers; love is revealed and available.

Love is an experience; it comes from the World of Being and as such it exists outside of time and space, and resists representational (talking about) descriptive language.

Admittedly and having just said that…

Love is the experience one has when all that is in the space between you and the other has been taken out (however temporarily) and the two (or more) individual/spirits see (grok) each other clearly, having successfully distinguished and disappeared the (illusory) distance between them, to form a third Meta Being, also known as a “Holon” (see Sex Ecology and Spirituality by Ken Wilbur) a Being that is greater than it’s individual parts.

Love is the experience of all participants constituting the Holon/Transcendent Being.

Prior to that moment of transcendent unification (however fleeting) much of what has been labeled “Love” in the past is much more about the individual not the relationship, more monolog than dialog, more about biology than spirit, more lust than love.

BTW the same Holon-istic mechanism can be experienced within other holons, for example, an orchestra, where a unity is generated among the musicians, the conductor and composer, and a series of moments of transcendence arises among them. (A good friend of mine once revealed to me that her first orgasm was as a violinist in an orchestra.)

The formula is the same: take out of the space between you and another what is not germane to relationship, what remains is an experience of love in relationship.

offers paul@relationshipliteracy.com

 

Earning Trust (part one)

“Do I trust people”?  Others may ask many questions about you, but this is a key one.  Trust lies at the root of building good interpersonal relations.  Research into human relations proves that if trust is present, weaknesses tend to be overlooked and mistakes tolerated.  Some people are trusted, and some are not, it depends on how they behave.  Trust is grounded in four very concrete and specific behaviors: Acceptance, Integrity, Openness, Reliability.  The presence of these four behaviors lead others to say: “I trust you”.  If you put these four behaviors into practice, you’ll be trusted.  If you don’t, you won’t.  Simple as that.  Let’s look at each of the four in turn, to get the whole picture.  Each Behavior will be a separate post.

Trust requires acceptance.  If I sense you accept me as a person, I’ll trust you.  That means I must sense that you feel it’s OK for me to be me, you don’t pass judgment on me, you don’t put me down and you don’t treat me as an “it” by trying to manipulate me, treat me as an inferior or by just criticizing me.  You accept me as an individual with my thoughts, feelings, interests, differences and my imperfections.  You don’t have to agree with me, but you do have to accept me.  If I sense you don’t accept me, I won’t trust you, because I’ll wonder if you are trying to use me, or deal with me only as a means to your ends.  If you behave in an accepting manner by taking me as I am, treating me as a worthwhile person, showing respect for my personhood and not judging me, then your behavior will lead me toward trusting you.  Acceptance is necessary to earn trust.

Continue to Part 2

Mommy, My Tummy Hurts Baby Jesus Keeps Kicking Me!

Let’s Rock and Talk, honey.  Time to rest for a while.  Time to calm down now.

Mommy, my tummy hurts.

I’m sorry honey. Let’s relax a minute instead of jumping around and see if that helps.  Jump up on the rocker with me.

Okay.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Mommy? Why does Baby Jesus keep kicking my tummy?

Kicking your tummy, what do you mean honey?

He keeps kicking and kicking inside my heart and hurting my tummy, can you tell him to stop?

more baby jesus

The Family Table

“Do you remember your family dinner table?”, the pastor asked.

Immediately, I remember looking at the clock, seven-ten. I remember the shape of the table, who sat where, what the forks looked like, the colored paper napkins, the way it was set and the rhyme that we used to help us get it right, the words used to call us to dinner, the dogs circling and then being told to lie down, the shuffling of feet and chairs, the smell of cigarettes just put out, the window behind me, the last minute jump up for milk or water, the last call for everyone to sit, the prayer, the giggles, the passing from left to right, the silence as we all took our first bites, the wondering who was going to talk first, the bickering between us kids, the fight for the last spoonful of whatever, that wonderful butter on rolls with jam saved until the end. The chairs scraping on the floor and scooting back one by one. I remember looking up at the clock, seven-twenty-seven.

Yes, I remember. It is what holds my family together in my heart.

Do you?

The most loving and inexpensive Christmas gift in the world.

Certificates of Loving-Kindness.

How often have we heard your partner something like “If they would only listen; or, I would just like a break from the kids; or, I’m too tired and I just don’t feel like cooking; or, My feet are killing me.”

Show your love and support by printing up a set of “Certificates of Loving-Kindness” and place them in a decorative envelope beneath your family’s Christmas tree.

Your certificates would read something like “Good for One Night Out by yourself; or Good for One Back, Foot, or Neck rub of your choice; or, Good for one listening session.” You get what I mean. Be creative.

How do Certificates of Loving-Kindness work?

They let your partner know that you do hear them, that you have been listening, that you care, and that you want to be a loving partner to them.

If you don’t know what they want, ask them. Just asking lets them know that you are aware of their needs and that you care.

This is a great way to gift children, too. Their certificates could read, “God for one extra hour of computer time or video game; Good for one hour past bed time; One certificate good for cleaning and putting away the dishes; One certificate good for leaving you room a mess; doing the laundry, and so forth. Basically you are letting them know that you care, and that you are willing to work with them, and that you may be a little more fun than they give you credit for.

You can’t lose, it won’t cost you a dime, and your payoff is millions of dollars worth of love and intimacy.

MarriageBook: How can you know when your marriage is over – or about to begin?

The old adage still remains true today, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

How often has it happened that we stop and wonder “Why?” Why is it that what was once a wide-open future for the two or us, overflowing with infinite possibility, a marriage blessed in holy matrimony and destined to conclude with a happily ever after ride into the setting sun, why doesn’t it feel that way any longer, and hasn’t felt that way for some time? Why?

In the beginning you had ample time for one another, to play, laugh, and spend time with friends and hobbies, but over time the necessities and sacrifices arising from raising and fledging children, pursuing careers and career paths – have all rushed in to fill the void created by “life happening.”

If you take a step back you will understand that you are in fact in a relationship transition and the important questions then become, “If that is so, then what are we in transition to? Is our marriage over? How can we tell?”
The short answer is that, “It’s hard to know where you are going if you do not know where you have been.”

Create a MarriageBook

For best results, and for the clearest guidance and answers, the two of you will need to craft a marriage inventory called a MarriageBook. Your MarriageBook is a year-by-year all-encompassing recollection of your marriage and relationship. In the process of creating a MarriageBook you will temporarily set aside your confusing painful present to create a living representation of a years-long relationship.

When your MarriageBook is complete, you will have a clear illustration of: who you once were, who you have been for each other, and how you arrived to the present day. With a MarriageBook you can choose to rekindle, redesign, and recreate your relationship, and add new pages to your MarriageBook, or begin a process of marriage dissolution. With a MarriageBook, if you choose the path of marriage dissolution, you will be able to “close the book” on your marriage and move on with your lives as individuals who have had a past history together.


How do we create our MarriageBook?

The materials you will need to create your MarriageBook are: a 1-inch loose-leaf binder, with one or more pages for each year of your marriage and pages that will hold photographs or other marriage documents. Slip a photo of the two of you on the cover of your MarriageBook and a photo of your family, or other memorable image on the back.
Then you will need sit down together, with a friend or other person you trust, who will meet with the two of you to ask and record the responses to questions like: “Who you were when you first met, how did you got together, what did you see in one another, what was the courtship like? Year-by-year, including as many images as possible, record the places you lived, where you went on vacation, with who, record significant events you witnessed together, where you were on 9-11, the births of children, graduations, marriages, friends, your favorite foods, books, movies, political and spiritual beliefs, television programming, careers and career transitions, awards, and so forth.


Do we need both partners to create a valid MarriageBook?

No, both parties in a relationship are not absolutely required. While it is clearly preferable that both adults in a relationship participate in the creation of a MarriageBook together, where the relationship and communications within the marriage have deteriorated to the extent that collaboration is no longer a viable option, even one partner can create a MarriageBook and receive much of the same benefits from doing so: clarity, confidence, and a renewed sense of direction.

Once you know where you have been and who you were you have an informed sense of where you want to go and how to get there.

Paul @ RelationshipLiteracy.com

Automobiles and relationships

Think about it.

What your life would be like if you took care of and maintained your relationships as well as you do your car?

We all need our relationships at least as much as we need a car. Life will not have much enjoyment nor worth for us without good quality relationships and intimacy. Will we, do we maintain them with as much skill and enthusiasm as our automobiles?

You need your car. It is a valuable extension for you and your life. You watch its speedometer, odometer, tire pressure gauges, oil level indicators and you look and listen for any and all warning signs. When your car breaks down you will quickly mobilize to get it, and you, back on the road.

Do we repair communication and relationship breakdowns as fast as we will fix a flat tire? Do we watch relationship, love and intimacy levels-as vigilantly as we watch our fuel and oil gauges?

Automobiles come with maps, instruction and repair manuals to tell us how to get where we want to go and what do when we breakdown. We as people need to be at least as informed and skilled in maintaining our hearts and relationships.

So take a moment. Where in your relationships are you a quart low?

Find out what you need, and go to a relationship and communication mechanic if you need pointers or a tune-up.

Leave me a comment below and let me know what you think. Thanks!

Offers: Paul @ RelationshipLiteracy.com