It’s terrifying to be a mom and we men need to do far much more than honor that.

fathers and daugtersWhat most men and fathers are seemingly unaware of is that mothers of our daughters have a truly frightening task: teaching our daughters how to be safe in a world where at least three of five girls will be subjected to sexual abuse  or other forms of gender abuse in their lifetimes.

Our beautiful teenage daughters desire to be boldly and vividly alive, fully self-expressed, socially popular and accepted by boys and peers. They demand of us that we permit them the freedom to dress as they please in pursuit of self-expression, popularity, and belonging. They are furious and resist us when we deny them freedoms they feel they deserve.

Our daughters simply do not recognize the terror we live with on their behalf. Our beloved daughters cannot know what we know – how easy it is for them to become the next statistic: abused, raped, drugged, abducted, exploited, enslaved, or murdered as a result of their female gender.

We adults respond by attempting to suppress our daughter’s natural exuberant sexuality and sense of self-expression. We attempt to hem them in with rules; we (naively) enforce curfews. We’ll interrogate and give the stink-eye to potential male admirers. We make ourselves become gatekeepers in a desperate pursuit for their safety.

To add insult to injury, our nightmares and anxiety will remain with us for the rest of our lives, well after they have left the “safety” of our home. We will do the best we can to numb our anxiety the day we see them drive off without us to protect them.

Part two

And men, we are not as helpful as partners to our spouses as we might be. All too often our female partners, the mothers of our children, feel alone and unsupported by us, as if we did not care about our daughters. We often minimize their all to real concerns.

By way of offering a mitigating defense – I would assert that many males grow up in a world in which some kind of masculine “sucking it up” is our norm.

Growing up in the very same gender-distorted society as our female partners we adapt in our own unique way. We learn to survive our male lives with, “Tomorrow is another day. It’s not so bad. Take a break. It will feel better in the morning. Have a beer.” Or, to quote King Solomon, we’ve learned that, “This too, shall pass.” And it does indeed pass – until it doesn’t.

However, this adaptive male worldview and set of coping, survival perspectives makes us poor partners when it comes to raising our daughters.

In effect, the bulk of responsibility for our daughter’s safety winds up on the plate our female partner’s shoulders.

I’ll never forget the day when my fifteen-year-old daughter turned to me in anger, noting and resenting the fact that, “men were looking at her differently now.” I knew exactly what she meant. I sympathized that that is the way the world is. I tried to explain but I, her dad – had nothing to offer.  Atlas shrugged.

I admire, appreciate and honor all female partners and mothers of daughters for shouldering the burden of our daughter’s safety. I deplore that we as male partners and fathers of daughters have largely left it that way.

So the challenge, for both mothers and fathers is: What is next?

A few suggestions as the man I am who admires the women in my life.

  1. Talk about it.  Talk about our feelings as we watch our children mature and evolve.
  2. Stick to the 80/20 rule – wherein we listen 80% of the time, speak 20% of the time.
  3. Support the mothers of our children – even when we might rather not.
  4. Talk to our daughters and sons, appropriate to their age, as they grow and develop. What they can grasp at age 11 will grow yearly at least till they reach age 25.
  5. Don’t fool ourselves that a some spontaneous generational shift will occur without our personal participation.

Your turn: What would you offer?

Hint: Accepting that our world is and will continue to be a place where women are abused is not an acceptable answer.

Relationships are all about WE and US, not ME.

How many times have you, or someone you know say, “THEY are not making ME happy, there’s something wrong with THEM, MY needs are not being met.” Or alternatively, “If only THEY would… I would be happy.”

One of the couple complains the other defends, the temperature rises in the room, feelings get hurt, the argument escalates, and the relationship goes downhill from there.

WE’ve all had conversations just like these. We are all too aware of how conversations like these will end. WE hate listening to conversations like these between those around us. WE are well aware that our homes, our families, our communities, the public media, popular literature, are awash in conversations just like these.

I call these conversations ME-based conversations. They are full of ME, MY feelings, MY experiences, MY needs, and how I am being frustrated.

But what if shifted the way WE talk about our relationships from ME-based language to WE-based language?

What if WE were to say instead, “WE are not making ME happy; there something wrong with US, OUR needs as a couple are not being met?”

With this simple linguistic shift in the way WE speak about ourselves to ourselves and others WE take our partner off their hot seat, stop making them wrong and the one accountable for our feelings, responsible for the dysfunction of our relationship with them.

Isn’t it a lot easier to hear our partner when they tell us, “WE are not making ME happy,” “There something about US, how WE speak and listen to each other that isn’t working for US.” Isn’t “WE need to take a look at how successfully WE are doing US.” easier to hear than, “if only YOU would…then I would be happy.”

With this simple clever shift in the way WE talk about ourselves WE take our partner off the hot seat, stop making them responsible for our feelings and upsets. When our partner no longer has to defend themselves in the face of our upset and dissatisfactions – then WE can shift our attention to where it belongs, to US, about WE, and what is going on between US. Once WE have accomplished this, WE can begin to discuss, focus upon those thoughts left unsaid, misspoken, mistaken and misunderstood.

As a WE, speaking with one another as an US, WE have an opportunity to powerfully listen to one another. Together, WE are able to focus upon our WE-practices and take a good look at persistent behaviors and ways of our being together that are hurtful, unproductive, identify and examine those behaviors that simply don’t work for an US, any US.

As a WE in partnership with our relationship at stake, WE can look for what is missing, that if present would make a difference for US as individuals and bring new workability, expanded love, relatedness and intimacy to our WE.

And then We can be happy.




The Death of Truth

In the next episteme labeled

Partnership World;

A world experience given by

WE and WEing,

Does the language artifact called “Truth” retain any meaning?

In Partnership World; a world experience given by WE and Weing,


Just what utility would the language artifact Truthpossess?

What access to human experience, if any does “Truth” offer us?

I suspect the answer is none at all.

Truth is Dead



Weing, a participle for participation

Physicists are at work discovering new particles. (For example, boson, proton, electron and so forth.)

We’uns (We that we are) may have discovered a new language participle, Weing, arising from a new verb To We, a word possibly related to it’s homonym “To Whee!”  (See commercial)

A participle is a form of a verb which is used in a sentence to modify a noun or noun phrase, and thus plays a role similar to that of an adjective or adverb
Me’um (Me that I am) researched to see if this was already a known word – without success.
So it seems that Weing is a new construction in language.
Weing a participle word modifying the verb “to We” similar in language construction to “Being” a participle, modifying the verb, “To Be”
Application: Upon distinguishing that:
  • Me’um (Me that I am), or
  • We’um (We that we are)
Have fallen into over-employing the “I” of I-dentity in our speech, we’um can return our speaking to Weing-based language.
This may offer enhanced access for we’ums (We that we are) to the Fifth Field of communication.



Gun violence clues lie in early childhood nurturance and neglect

So long as we dwell on red herring surface issues such as gun control, the underlying issues can never be addressed.

Has anyone noticed that none of the shooters are female?

Rather than rehash old arguments regarding gun control and mental health availability, maybe we should look into how we raise and nurture our sons, our male children in this country such that some of them explode into violence.

A late teacher of mine, Charlie Kreiner, once asked us a question I will never ever forget,

“What do you have to do to a male child such that he will agree to kill and be killed in the name of masculinity?”

I ask: “How do we engage with our adorable, delicious, joyous, and loving male children such that they grow up to perpetrate domestic violence and become killers?”

I suggest that there is a clear connection between gender-related nurturance neglect, developing emotional numbness, and the capacity of any individual to perpetrate violence.

Evidence is emerging in neuroscience literature. Watch and listen to neuroscientist VS Ramachandran speak in the TED Talk The Neurons that Shaped Civilization.

The roots of our capacity to empathize lie in early childhood and in the manner we as young children are treated, or not.

We learn that young children are born with an enormous capacity to mimic, mirror, and to reliably reproduce the world they experience. But the number of mirror motor neurons shrinks by about four years of age and their capacity to learn shrinks as well.

Emotionally neglected children do not develop into adults who have the capacity to feel the consequences of their actions.

It is impossible to feel the pain of another if your capacity to feel at all is stunted or missing altogether. Sometimes it looks like the violence perpetrated on elementary school children; other times it looks like domestic violence in the home.

Gun control is a red herring. The clues to the origins of gun violence lie in early childhood nurturance and neglect of children.

Hanukkah memories: sour cream or applesauce?

Lighting the Hanukkah Menorah

“Applesauce or sour cream?” will be one of the most hotly debated issues around family tables this Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights.

The Jewish holiday of Hanukkah begins this coming weekend and will last for eight days. The holiday celebrates the triumph of the Maccabees over the Assyrian Greeks 2300 years ago and of the re-consecration of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem.

Families everywhere will soon sing festival songs and light Hanukkah candles on a Menorah, an eight-branched candelabra, adding one candle each night until the candelabra is completely filled with light on the very last night of the festival holiday.

The issue at stake surrounds the humble Latke, a potato pancake, Hanukkah’s signature food. There are a wide variety of opinions regarding how to make latkes correctly, what they should taste like, and whether a latke is best eaten with a liberal application of applesauce or sour cream. Every family has a slightly different recipe and public heated debates have been held surrounding latkes, their use and preparation. I am a sour cream stalwart.

What was Hanukkah like for you growing up? How did your family prepare latkes? Or did your family like make sufganiyot, ball shaped fried doughnuts instead? Has someone actually written down the family recipe?

Did you family give Hanukkah Gelt, spin the Dreidel together, exchange gifts with one another, Christmas-style. Some families give a gift for each night, some only once, and some give no gifts. What are your family’s festival traditions? How has the Hanukkah celebration changed for your family over the years?

Use can ask these questions and find other questions like these on the Memoriesbroughttolife website. Use them as a guide to recover your parents’ and grandparents’ memories of Hanukkah. There are pages you can use either stand alone, or as part of a family Living Legacy LifeBook.

To obtain these free pages, click on the Downloads tab on the Memoriesbroughttolife website and be guided through a very simple process, entering your name and e-mail address to be provided complementary access to all downloadable files available.

These are irreplaceable memories well worth keeping, valuable memories providing a window into the lives of our ancestors.

Pearl Harbor memories

Where you, your parents or grandparents on the Day of Infamy?

Nothing would ever be the same after that day, December 7, 1941, the day Imperial Japanese airplanes attacked U.S. naval fleets and air force bases in Hawaii.

That day, that would be known as Pearl Harbor Day would be remembered as the day our nation’s view of itself and of its role in the world altered forever and laid the groundwork for the world we know today.

Before the end of the Second World War ended, millions of American would be drafted to serve in the American armed forces and citizens everywhere would join together to support a national war effort.

And it all began seventy-two years ago this week, December 7th, 1941.

How long did it take them to learn of the attack in the days before television and Internet?  How were their lives affected? Did your family plant a Victory garden,  collect tin foil, or participate in scrap drives for the war effort? Do they remember rationing? How did rationing affect your family and community?

Use can ask these questions and find other questions like these on the Memoriesbroughttolife website. Use them as a guide to uncover your parents or grandparents memories of that historic day. These are pages you can use either stand alone, or as part of a family Living Legacy LifeBook.

To obtain these free pages, click on the Downloads tab on the Memoriesbroughttolife website and be guided through a very simple process, entering your name and e-mail address to be provided complementary access to all downloadable files available.

These are irreplaceable memories well worth keeping, valuable memories providing a window into the lives of those who not only remember December 7th 1941, but who actually lived through that historical day.

Kennedy assassination memories: Where were you that day?

November 22, 1963 was the day that changed the history of our nation, much as the events of September 11, 2001 did thirty-eight years later.

It was the day that President John F. Kennedy was shot while riding in a motorcade with First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy and Texas Governor John Connally in Dallas Texas.

I was only thirteen years old standing up in the eighth grade English class of Junior High School 145 in New York when the announcement came out over the school public address system that our president had been shot. It was a moment that is forever etched in my memory.

Where were you; where were they the day President John F. Kennedy was shot?

Use the complimentary templates you will find there as a guide to recover and record how you, your parents or grandparents experienced the day President Kennedy was shot, how it changed our nation, our families and communities and add them to your personal Living Legacy Lifebook.

Thanksgiving Memories: complementary pages to download for your feast

In time for Thanksgiving!

When we stop and think we might notice that Thanksgiving has changed over our lifetimes and the lifetimes of our parents.

Familiar faces that no longer grace our tables, fond family stories of Thanksgivings past, favorite recipes we once shared each year.

As we all gather to celebrate Thanksgiving this year, how about we take the time to stop and remember and preserve memories of Thanksgivings of past years?

Here are complimentary Thanksgiving memory page templates from ready for your download. Pages you can use either stand alone or as part of your Living Legacy LifeBook.

To take advantage of these pages, go to the Downloads page and be guided through a simple process: enter your name and e-mail to be provided complementary access to all the downloads we currently have available.

We would love for you to have them and add them to your collection and capture these irreplaceable stories.

May we all enjoy a truly memorable Thanksgiving.


You are all my heroes

I have become so very present that:

You are all my heroes.

Despite our stickies, strong suits, Winning formulas,

Sentences and seemings,

Despite all the yuck
We cling to as our

We step out.

Step forward, throw hats over walls,
Choose growth and development over death and despair,
Participate in communities of transformation,
To generate

Look around!
See selves,
Perceive selves in mirrors.
Observe selves though eyes.
Peer deliriously through fun-house
Dizzy windows,

Naked in the light
Of humanity.
ah, aH,

You are all my heroes.
And I am grateful.

2 BE.

What would it be like if we spent our time looking for, playing with, celebrating the hero in one another?